i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
