He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
