Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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