i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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