I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
