The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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