I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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