You just made me feel so damn special
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
