im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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