The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
