Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
