okay pat passed out under dana's car
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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