No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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