i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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