So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
