woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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