We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
