youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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