Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
