I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
