I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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