very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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