I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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