forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
