Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
