for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
