mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
