Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
