He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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