Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
