Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
