why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
