i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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