nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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