What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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