I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
