He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
