you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
