Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
