What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
