: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
