Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
