Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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