I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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