Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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