Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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