There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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