So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
