If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
