So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
