Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
