I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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