i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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