does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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