dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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