can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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