I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
handjob tips. give me some.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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