Who wears a wallet chain?!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
