sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
