oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
