it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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